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Bought myself webspace on Psychz.net. Also bought a domain on Indiatimes; the second one seems to be a bad decision. It’s been three days now, and no news. A direct link to the server is good for health.
(2006-10-02), later on in the day:
Something quite common on the internet: seemingly intelligent and good-natured people making fun of not-so-intelligent people. It seems to me sometimes like geeks are bullying the not-so-geeks, now that they feel stronger out here in their playground.
Sites like SomethingAwful, for example. And many more that I’m not a regular visitor of, but exist, nonetheless. Nice role reversal, this.
Last night, I had the privilege of interviewing the famous professional celebrity, A. Rand M. Persin! Rand M. Persin was in Bangalore on a business meeting at the Somewhat Grand Lilly Hotel, where he and several other celebrities (Aar Geebeey, Verbil Gerbil, Ahswype Jowls and Sri Sri Sri s/o Sri Sri Lord Sri c/o Sri Tankbund road Sri Ramshankar) met up to discuss the direction Bangalore Tims must take in the future.
Bangalore Tims, as we all know, is the cultural supplement to The Tims Of India that carries pictures of names with entertaining captions like ‘Hey There: Suparno and Gurpreet enjoy their drinks’, ‘Beautiful in Black: Sangeetha and John having a great time’ and ‘Trio in a tree’. At the meeting, there were some arguments, as can be expected when we’re dealing with a newspaper, since it is the responsibility of a newspaper to empower the people with information. One argument regarding whether or not Infosys still was a happening company, for example, went on for nearly two minutes before Sri Sri lost the arm-wrestling match. When asked to comment, he said, “I-I-I d-d-don’t want t-t-to c-c-c-c-c.. t-t-to c-c-comment.”
Anyway, we got a few minutes with Rand M. Persin before he was off to Humpi for a meeting to discuss the future of Humpi.
Rand M.: Hahahahahah! Humpi! What a funny name! It’s like HUMP-EY. HAHAHAHA!
Bangalore Tims: AHAHAHA! Never realized that! AHAHAHA!
Rand M.: Okay, let’s get down to business. Don’t have too much time; my flight to Humpi.. <brrsk> HAHAHAHA!
Bangalore Tims: Okay, okay… So what do you think about the current state of Bangalore Tims? Do you think that it gives the people what they want?
RM: Definitely! As we all know, the people of Bangalore are mostly into either IT or event management, and they don’t need to know anything about what’s going on in the world around them, because unlike their previous generation, none of them have government jobs. The rest of them are just stupid stupid stupid, but nicely combed fools.
BT: That’s a controvesial statement! How can you say with such conviction that they’re nicely combed?
RM: Look there (pointing at random person passing by).. Look at that random person (at this point, Rand M. Persin looks slightly disoriented and scratches his head, then looks at his badge and regains composure). Doesn’t he look well combed to you? Look at the smoothness of his hair, etc.
BT: Well said. What is your opinion on the state of roads in Bangalore?
RM: They’re quite.. Humpy. (bursts into laughter at his own joke).
BT: Hm.. Okay. Tell us, what do you like about Bangalore?
RM: Nothing. Everything sucks in Bangalore. The wannabe people, most of the restaurants, the upmarket pubs themed like villages that still charge like five hundred bucks a drink just because their waiters can speak in English. Barely. But the worst part of Bangalore is definitely Bangalore Tims, much like the worst part of Bombay is Bombay Tims and of Hyderbad is Chennai Tims and Kolkota is.. Wait a minute. Kolkota! That’s a city in India? What does it do?
BT: It was the capital of India when the British were here.
RM: Sigh.. Those were the times. I remember how much better things were when the British were here.
BT: What? You couldn’t possibly have been born then!
RM: Oh, they were here just last week for the launch of a new book; I think they called it ‘The New East India Companion To Restaurants‘. It was written by Roy Vice or something.
BT: Oh, that? That’s a crap book; it’s never going to do well. Thank God! For a minute, I was worried that the British were going to take over India again. I’m much happier under the Americans.
RM: (nods vigorously) Yes, the Americans are good.
A crowd passing by nods in agreement. They say “Americans.” and do a thumbs up sign with their hands and pass by. An American man passing by hands them all call-center jobs. Another American man sneaks up to the previous American man and hits him on the head for ‘stealing his job and giving it to Afghanisthanis’. An Afghanisthani appears from an open manhole and shoots both the Americans, shouting “Jihad! Jee-haw!“ Mohammed materializes from thin air and destroys him in a puff of magic. Jesos Christ and George W. Busch come riding into town and kick Mohammed’s butt. Krishna is seen partying with some Gopikas in the background.
RM: Yes, if it weren’t for the Americans, we wouldn’t have had all this entertainment. Besides, they make some good movies. They may use Polish directors, but good movies. Hey, is it time for my flight? (looks at cellphone) (muttering under his breath) Download.. wallpapers and ringtones.. Himesh Reshammiya.. Back.. cancel. Ah! Late! I have to run! Bye!
Well, there it is. Of course, I had to edit the interview out to fit BT’s space constraints; so here’s the final interview:
Interview With A. Rand M. Persin
BT: Welcome to Bangalore! Do you think Bangalore Tims gives Bangaloreans what they need, like a forum for discussion, and free thought, and yadayada?
RM: Definitely! And as we all know, Bangalore has a brilliant IT industry and the people are nicely combed.
BT: That’s a controversial statement! How can you say that Bangalore has a brilliant IT industry?
RM: Look at that.. (pointing to IT person). Doesn’t he look happy?
BT: Well said. What is your opinion on the state of roads in Bangalore?
RM: They’re not as good as they are in Humpi.
BT: But other than this, what do you like about Bangalore?
RM: Everything! The people; I wannabe like these people, the restaurants, the vibrant pub culture, and of course, Bangalore Tims. About the restaurants, I’m currently reading this book called ‘The New East India Companion To Restaurants‘, written by Roy Vice. It’s published by Tims Publishing and is available at all major bookstores and Planet Ms and wherever the Tims Group has a choke-hold. It is invaluable.
So there you have it, folks. A grand journalistic coup, like we at Bangalore Tims pull off everyday. I’ll sleep well tonight. Good night!
Note: In case you didn’t get it, Bangalore Tims does not mean Bangalore Times, Jesos doesn’t mean Jesus, Mohammed is definitely not Prophet Mohammed, Krishna is Venkatakrishna from Dena Bank, not Lord Krishna, George W. Busch, on the other hand, is George Bush, and Humpi is Hampi. LOLOLOL XXD ROTFLAUTULENCE.
Conventional morality and legality will tell you that every person, nay, every living being on Earth, nay, in the Universe has an equal right to existence. Yes, we are all like chocos in a pack, we come from the same elementary soil and have the same basic goal in life, so we are equal.
Pshaw! Very clearly, by experiences in my previous and next days of life, I have uncovered startling evidence that this is not true. People are NOT the same. Some of us are assholes, some of us are niceholes. Take the example of James, the power ranger from planet Xion. With his superistic superpowers(tm), he saves the world from bad by ridding it of slimy people like criminals, lesbians and free-willed sailors.
Take also, since I am in a generous mood, the example of NotsoJames (aka Christopher Columbus), a lesbian criminal. It is clear that he is dangerous. To sanity and much else.
It follows from our above calculations that James IS NOT EQUAL TO NotsoJames. NotsoJames is a negative in the equation of good which has to be maximized with respect to the rest of us (neutral) observers. We will have to kill him. Mercilessly and with optional glee.
After countless seconds of nerve-wracking thought, I have finally come up with a list of people who have to die, and the reasons they should be put to rest. Since I am still in a generous mood, I will also suggest a method of death. In no particular order, then (except for number one, who’s clearly number one):
1. Benny Hinn
Suggested MOD: Push him into the ground so he slowly fall into the holy healing coals of blessed straight razors. And be healed.
2. The Autorickshaw Driver Who Thinks Vision is for Wimps
The sudden U-turns, the erratic cutting, the 2-cm safety margin… Everything points to a well-thought out wish to become one with his maker, Satan. It’s only fair that one day one of us buys an SUV solely to make his wish come true. The heavier the better, since these guys are reported to survive Nuclear Holocausts even.
MOD: As mentioned above. Optionally, declare an auto-only day on city roads. They’ll drive each other to death, for lack of weaker targets. The survivors can be lined up and shot.
3. Himesh Reshammiya
You may wonder why he’s here. After all, he isn’t really hurting anyone, is he? It’s a long story, and it gets serious, involving Popeye the sailor at points.
If it’s true that enough people are enjoying his (questionable) music, it begs the question, “Are Indians really that unevolved a race?“, which in turn asks, “Are we, therefore, unfit to rule ourselves by way of a democracy? Are the same people who vote for Himesh Reshammiya on Somechannelortheother’s Top Ten show voting for our nation’s leaders?”
I think that answers your question. Popeye? He’s there. Trust me.
MOD: Anyhow, anyway, right now. Before he collaborates with Anoushka Shankar.
4. Crooked Cops
They’re cops, but instead of looking out for Dawood Ibrahim or the aforementioned nose, they harass (relatively) innocent people who’re doing nothing more criminal than smoking pot outside their house at 12 in the night, looking at the moon, and thinking about Alice In Wonderland.
They do it not because of the conscientious drive that drives mister policeman, but because they’re always in friggin ‘look-out for bribe’ mode. So while bombs blast merrily in various public and government places, they’re about saving young men from ruining their lives by being stupidly happy. Someone should return the favour.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against bribes. I guess the temptation is hard to resist. It would be nice if bribes didn’t come above the few slightly more worthwhile ideals.
MOD: Line them up, bring them to their knees by careful amputation of their below-knees so they can’t kick-back and.. That’s it. I just wanted to use the kick-back joke. HAR! The atmosphere is so humorous now. I can smell the sulphur.
More to come, when <something or the other>.. I must be off now to fight the criminals, and the justice people who want my skin, both fore and aft. Tally ho, and stuffs.
I’ve stopped smoking cigarettes. Some days back, I had a throat problem that made me unable to smoke. Cigarettes then started to taste vile and sickly. Not that they were awesomely tasty before that, but they had their pluses.
After I recovered, I couldn’t smoke cigarettes too much. For one, they didn’t taste too good anymore. I switched to cheap King Edward cigars for a bit, but you can’t really smoke cigars on a regular basis.
At times like these, a young man’s fancy strays to… PIPES! So I read up a bit and bought myself an inexpensive Sanda pipe, and a packet of Drum Halfzware (half-dark) tobacco.
For those of us who are used to smoking shitty processed tobacco in cigarettes, smoking pure tobacco is like eating at Pizza Hut for the first time after having eaten Amul Pizza for four years. You can taste it! That’s right! And it tastes good. Really. Mouth-watering good.
If I could compare it to anything, I’d say it tastes like coffee smells, but with a slight nutty dance happening in the back room. Slightly sweet, and subtle tones that I can’t really describe, but are remarkably pleasant. And a wonderful tingly sensation when you’re into it.
Also, on the health side, you don’t inhale, so it’s safer. All the work that goes into preparing a pipe ensures that you don’t smoke too often.
Good old social conditioning has made it so that just holding a pipe in my hand makes me feel relaxed. Loving it. Now, I need to look up good pipe makers in India. Yes, I have a habit of high hopes.
Pros: All of the above
Cons: Smoking a pipe makes me look like a wannabe Sherlock Holmes, but meh, to hell with it.
Update: Two days after writing this, I chain smoked for two days. Will try to stop. I know you’re hanging on to my every word now, whoever you are. My life is just so interesting, you see. What makes me different from the millions of other blogs out there? Nothing! Go on now, get out.