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August 27, 2006 / Abhijit Shylanath

Interview With a Person

Last night, I had the privilege of interviewing the famous professional celebrity, A. Rand M. Persin! Rand M. Persin was in Bangalore on a business meeting at the Somewhat Grand Lilly Hotel, where he and several other celebrities (Aar Geebeey, Verbil Gerbil, Ahswype Jowls and Sri Sri Sri s/o Sri Sri Lord Sri c/o Sri Tankbund road Sri Ramshankar) met up to discuss the direction Bangalore Tims must take in the future.

Bangalore Tims, as we all know, is the cultural supplement to The Tims Of India that carries pictures of names with entertaining captions like ‘Hey There: Suparno and Gurpreet enjoy their drinks’, ‘Beautiful in Black: Sangeetha and John having a great time’ and ‘Trio in a tree’. At the meeting, there were some arguments, as can be expected when we’re dealing with a newspaper, since it is the responsibility of a newspaper to empower the people with information. One argument regarding whether or not Infosys still was a happening company, for example, went on for nearly two minutes before Sri Sri lost the arm-wrestling match. When asked to comment, he said, “I-I-I d-d-don’t want t-t-to c-c-c-c-c.. t-t-to c-c-comment.”

Anyway, we got a few minutes with Rand M. Persin before he was off to Humpi for a meeting to discuss the future of Humpi.

A. Rand M. Persin
Rand M.: Hahahahahah! Humpi! What a funny name! It’s like HUMP-EY. HAHAHAHA!

Bangalore Tims: AHAHAHA! Never realized that! AHAHAHA!

Rand M.: Okay, let’s get down to business. Don’t have too much time; my flight to Humpi.. <brrsk> HAHAHAHA!

Bangalore Tims: Okay, okay… So what do you think about the current state of Bangalore Tims? Do you think that it gives the people what they want?

RM: Definitely! As we all know, the people of Bangalore are mostly into either IT or event management, and they don’t need to know anything about what’s going on in the world around them, because unlike their previous generation, none of them have government jobs. The rest of them are just stupid stupid stupid, but nicely combed fools.

BT: That’s a controvesial statement! How can you say with such conviction that they’re nicely combed?

RM: Look there (pointing at random person passing by).. Look at that random person (at this point, Rand M. Persin looks slightly disoriented and scratches his head, then looks at his badge and regains composure). Doesn’t he look well combed to you? Look at the smoothness of his hair, etc.

BT: Well said. What is your opinion on the state of roads in Bangalore?

RM: They’re quite.. Humpy. (bursts into laughter at his own joke).

BT: Hm.. Okay. Tell us, what do you like about Bangalore?

RM: Nothing. Everything sucks in Bangalore. The wannabe people, most of the restaurants, the upmarket pubs themed like villages that still charge like five hundred bucks a drink just because their waiters can speak in English. Barely. But the worst part of Bangalore is definitely Bangalore Tims, much like the worst part of Bombay is Bombay Tims and of Hyderbad is Chennai Tims and Kolkota is.. Wait a minute. Kolkota! That’s a city in India? What does it do?

BT: It was the capital of India when the British were here.

RM: Sigh.. Those were the times. I remember how much better things were when the British were here.

BT: What? You couldn’t possibly have been born then!

RM: Oh, they were here just last week for the launch of a new book; I think they called it ‘The New East India Companion To Restaurants‘. It was written by Roy Vice or something.

BT: Oh, that? That’s a crap book; it’s never going to do well. Thank God! For a minute, I was worried that the British were going to take over India again. I’m much happier under the Americans.

RM: (nods vigorously) Yes, the Americans are good.

call-center.jpg

A crowd passing by nods in agreement. They say “Americans.” and do a thumbs up sign with their hands and pass by. An American man passing by hands them all call-center jobs. Another American man sneaks up to the previous American man and hits him on the head for ‘stealing his job and giving it to Afghanisthanis’. An Afghanisthani appears from an open manhole and shoots both the Americans, shouting “Jihad! Jee-haw! Mohammed materializes from thin air and destroys him in a puff of magic. Jesos Christ and George W. Busch come riding into town and kick Mohammed’s butt. Krishna is seen partying with some Gopikas in the background.

RM: Yes, if it weren’t for the Americans, we wouldn’t have had all this entertainment. Besides, they make some good movies. They may use Polish directors, but good movies. Hey, is it time for my flight? (looks at cellphone) (muttering under his breath) Download.. wallpapers and ringtones.. Himesh Reshammiya.. Back.. cancel. Ah! Late! I have to run! Bye!

Well, there it is. Of course, I had to edit the interview out to fit BT’s space constraints; so here’s the final interview:

Interview With A. Rand M. Persin

BT: Welcome to Bangalore! Do you think Bangalore Tims gives Bangaloreans what they need, like a forum for discussion, and free thought, and yadayada?

RM: Definitely! And as we all know, Bangalore has a brilliant IT industry and the people are nicely combed.

BT: That’s a controversial statement! How can you say that Bangalore has a brilliant IT industry?

RM: Look at that.. (pointing to IT person). Doesn’t he look happy?

BT: Well said. What is your opinion on the state of roads in Bangalore?

RM: They’re not as good as they are in Humpi.

BT: But other than this, what do you like about Bangalore?

RM: Everything! The people; I wannabe like these people, the restaurants, the vibrant pub culture, and of course, Bangalore Tims. About the restaurants, I’m currently reading this book called ‘The New East India Companion To Restaurants‘, written by Roy Vice. It’s published by Tims Publishing and is available at all major bookstores and Planet Ms and wherever the Tims Group has a choke-hold. It is invaluable.

BT: Thanks!

So there you have it, folks. A grand journalistic coup, like we at Bangalore Tims pull off everyday. I’ll sleep well tonight. Good night!

Note: In case you didn’t get it, Bangalore Tims does not mean Bangalore Times, Jesos doesn’t mean Jesus, Mohammed is definitely not Prophet Mohammed, Krishna is Venkatakrishna from Dena Bank, not Lord Krishna, George W. Busch, on the other hand, is George Bush, and Humpi is Hampi. LOLOLOL XXD ROTFLAUTULENCE.

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2 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Ricky Kej / Sep 11 2006 5:57 pm

    dude!!!

  2. Aneesh / Oct 31 2006 3:51 pm

    Hilarious! hope to see more of them!

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